October 20, 2020
His therapist turned her attention towards our family background asking questions. It was not so much the questions she was asking but the manner in which she was asking. I trusted her.
So I gave her a few brief insight in to my current situation. She made me feel secure, safe.
So I accepted for her to guide the process of not only our son but also myself.
I was booked in to see a psychiatrist.
That experience did not go down so well at all.
1. He was a male.
2. He hit to hard too fast.
My 1st and only visit to him he drove straight into abuse "Have you been molested as a child" and I was not having any of it I lied to him. I walked out and got drunk.
The psychiatrist also sent a referral to the Alcohol and Drug unit.
Once again I experienced the "Hit to hard too fast". My very first visit to the councilor She kept repeating that I needed to go to rehab. I walked out and got drunk.
When I drank all my emotions will would come out in anger.
I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship with my husband. I was rejecting him and held my secrets to myself.
Then one night while drinking, I again no longer wanted to be in this world. I felt NO ONE knew my pain. I trusted no one.
My behavior was getting way out of control, the lies I created to get my next fix. I was siphoning money out of our business.
Not to pay bills but pay for my alcohol. But also take on another addiction gambling.
I got us in the shit by almost losing our house as I was not paying any bills. I was heading in a one way direction and that was down and taking my family with me.
My husband asked me one question that turned my life around.
"If I were to die would I have any regrets"
I knew the guilt would be so overwhelming as I knew he deserved more than what I had given him.
He dropped the biggest bomb shell on me. I decided that I didn't want to lose him he was my ROCK.
I then surrendered to outside help and got referrals back to mental health and addictions.
I put all my faith back into the system the same system I walked away from.
BOY did I have one kick ass psychiatrist who did not put up with any of my shit of manipulation. She was a real tough nut, today I am so greatful to her and I still see her today but not as a patient/tangtawhaiora but as a person.
I was also so blessed to have a different Alcohol and Drug councilor.
It was difficult at first as I used to still go get drunk after my session.
Once I was on the right medication things did get a little easier but I just couldn't stop the drinking. So I opted for a medication called Antibuse and I drank only did that once. That was not a great experience at all. I was as sick as a dog.
I was ready to accept that I needed to go into rehabilitation, my councilor suggested that I go do a program called taha maori in Hamner Springs Queen Mary's hospital.
It took me awhile to agree as I saw it as a Maori program which in my mind took me back to the Marae.
So come 2002 I decided to into the program and it was the BEST decision that I made.
Before I conclude, let me share what helps me ground myself.
Check out my shopify store to see how I've managed to NOW grow a business after almost losing everything.