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Ko wai au? Who am I?

October 12, 2020

Ko wai au? Who am I?

Wow this is going to take some time to read so bare with me....It may be triggering for some.  I am going to be taking you on a journey through different parts of who I am.

Trust me it's long but pretty bloody cool.

If you visited my store and read the section about us, you only got a small look into my life.


Some will read my story and go holy shit.

In spite of everything I am a survivor, an amazing wife, mother, and nan. Even if the places people and things in my life fucked me over. I survived to be able to help and inspire other and at times take away the hurt even if just for a moment.

I always believe there is someone else worse than myself this helps in order for me to keep the daily grind and stay above the water.

But there are days that I find really difficult and hard

Where? why? and what?

My earliest memory was when I was 6 or 7 where I was attending a family event on a marae and from that point all the way into adulthood my life changed.

I had my innocence taken away by different family members this continued until my body started changing into what I know to be a women.

I hated everything and everyone I lost trust in those who there to protect me.

I acted like a boy so that I did not attract or give the wrong idea to the opposite gender.

I become VERY numb to the world my heart filled with so much HATE.

Nights were my worst I could hear my own breathing it was a breathing that still scares me today.

I had FEAR, PAIN, HURT all the negative emotions one could endure. At the age of 15 I decided I no longer wanted to live so I took sleeping pills I overdosed on them.

Woke up the next morning in the hospital children's ward covered in this black stuff. The Nurse didn't talk to me. I was there with no one talking or saying anything.

My mother arrived in the afternoon and I recall us having to see this doctor at the time I didn't know this was a Psychiatrist.

I didn't say a word. I knew I was in trouble and BIG trouble. My mother brushed the whole episode off as an accident.

I was raised in a home where things were brushed under the carpet. If we don't talk about it, it never happened.

My mother was aware of what was happening as I told her. I held that against her for a very long time until I was told my mother was also interfered with.

Lucky for us I entered an alcohol rehabilitation programme and we were able to have a beautiful relationship before she passed.

Before going into rehab way way before I joined the Military (staying with that male theme) unfortunately it also provided me with the ammunition to go down another walk of life. Alcohol this is in the late 80's

I met my husband in the Army we were in the same company his beautiful blue eyes caught my attention.

We had our daughter in 1991 and 2 sons one 1994 and 1995.

I was a full on alcoholic, my behaviours were totally disgusting.

In 1998 we had a house fire. Our eldest son started lighting fires so we decided to seek help for him and that is when my true journey began.


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