Ko wai au? Who am I?

Ko wai au? Who am I?

Wow this is going to take some time to read so bare with me....It may be triggering for some.  I am going to be taking you on a journey through different parts of who I am.

Trust me it's long but pretty bloody cool.

If you visited my store and read the section about us, you only got a small look into my life.

Some will read my story and go holy shit.

In spite of everything I am a survivor, an amazing wife, mother, and nan. Even if the places people and things in my life fucked me over. I survived to be able to help and inspire other and at times take away the hurt even if just for a moment.

I always believe there is someone else worse than myself this helps in order for me to keep the daily grind and stay above the water.

But there are days that I find really difficult and hard

Where? why? and what?

My earliest memory was when I was 6 or 7 where I was attending a family event on a marae and from that point all the way into adulthood my life changed.

I had my innocence taken away by different family members this continued until my body started changing into what I know to be a women.

I hated everything and everyone I lost trust in those who there to protect me.

I acted like a boy so that I did not attract or give the wrong idea to the opposite gender.

I become VERY numb to the world my heart filled with so much HATE.

Nights were my worst I could hear my own breathing it was a breathing that still scares me today.

I had FEAR, PAIN, HURT all the negative emotions one could endure. At the age of 15 I decided I no longer wanted to live so I took sleeping pills I overdosed on them.

Woke up the next morning in the hospital children's ward covered in this black stuff. The Nurse didn't talk to me. I was there with no one talking or saying anything.

My mother arrived in the afternoon and I recall us having to see this doctor at the time I didn't know this was a Psychiatrist.

I didn't say a word. I knew I was in trouble and BIG trouble. My mother brushed the whole episode off as an accident.

I was raised in a home where things were brushed under the carpet. If we don't talk about it, it never happened.

My mother was aware of what was happening as I told her. I held that against her for a very long time until I was told my mother was also interfered with.

Lucky for us I entered an alcohol rehabilitation programme and we were able to have a beautiful relationship before she passed.

Before going into rehab way way before I joined the Military (staying with that male theme) unfortunately it also provided me with the ammunition to go down another walk of life. Alcohol this is in the late 80's

I met my husband in the Army we were in the same company his beautiful blue eyes caught my attention.

We had our daughter in 1991 and 2 sons one 1994 and 1995.

I was a full on alcoholic, my behaviours were totally disgusting.

In 1998 we had a house fire. Our eldest son started lighting fires so we decided to seek help for him and that is when my true journey began.

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